Are you afraid of the dark?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do.We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)


This summer I am working as a tour guide at Scotia’s very own Happy Jack Peak and Chalk Mine. Before opening day we had to do some cleaning and while walking through the dark tunnels, I asked myself why I chose to spend my summer at such a terrifying place. Yes, I admit, I’m afraid of the dark, scare easily, and am quite jumpy. I keep telling myself this will only help prepare me for situations that call for bravery. Some of you may think, going to Belize for two years is brave, but instead it takes courage. I believe this because bravery would not be on my list of top strengths, which may seem confusing. How can a person be afraid but have courage? The answer lies within the Spirit.
Being afraid of the dark taps into one of my deeper fears, the fear of the unknown. I would love to meet someone who truly embraced not knowing, but it’s this fear that drives my curiosity, which gives me courage, so I guess I can say I’m curiously courageous, but back to the unknown because sitting next to my fear of the unknown is my fear of being forgotten. Again, this is hard to explain, but I know it exists from the uneasiness I have felt lately. I had a very hard time coming back to my hometown and working at my old high school after 3 ½ years of being in Lincoln. Maybe it shouldn’t matter so much if people remember me or not, but I know I feel special when they do and a little hurt when they don’t. Luckily, amazing people who remember even the little things like catching fireflies surround me. So, the reason I felt the need to write about this on a blog about my Peace Corps adventure would be it’s true. It’s not only scary to move to another country because it’s another country far away; it’s also scary thinking what will change by the time I come back. I know I’ll come back changed, but my family and friends won’t be the same either.

What matters

"...some things don't matter much. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart--now, that matters. The whole problem with people is...they know what matters, but they don't choose it...The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

Loving on people is one of my favorite things to do and as a Peace Corps Volunteer I will be able to do just that. Working in the schools will give me the opportunity to see students’ potential and encourage them to pursue their dreams. I’m also excited to meet other Peace Corps Volunteers. I know it takes a certain type of person to step out into the unknown, offering to serve others. We often forget how important it is to live for others, doing what will make them feel special and appreciated. Growing up a believer in Christ’s death and resurrection, I know the importance of His sacrifice, but often I think we overlook how much it meant for Him to LIVE on this earth. I’m realizing more everyday that not only are people worth dying for, they’re also worth living for. We’re called to give up our lives as a living sacrifice, doing God’s will for His people. So that’s where I’m at, right now, ready to leave my home and live with a people I don’t know, kinda like Ruth. I found an old journal entry from my freshman year at UNL. Reading her story was inspiring and I felt I would one day push the boundaries of my comfort zone. I prayed for preparation and it’s neat looking back and seeing the answers to that prayer which include trips to Mexico, California, and Croatia. I wonder, too, what these two years in Belize will be prepare me for.

Today, I feel like a penguin.

"[Penguins] have this radar inside them that told them when and where to go and none of it made any sense, but they show up... and the radar always turns out to be right." -Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with a specific answer when people ask me why I'm going to live in Belize for two years. I usually respond with "why not?" It's hard to explain something that makes sense without making sense. I feel as if there are reasons for me going I may never understand and knowing that makes me excited to go. There's a "peace that passes understanding down in my heart." I continually laugh at myself for handling all this unknown. I'm usually a person who needs to know exactly what is going on and when it will all happen, or at least I used to be. I remember one time I was walking with a friend and he was looking at the calendar on his phone. He didn't like how he had something scheduled for each day the following week. I told him everyday of my planner was filled for the next few months, and that's how I liked it! After that conversation, I questioned if I really did enjoy having every second of my day planned, admiring Saul's carefree attitude, knowing tight schedules can ruin the beauty of the unexpected. My own agenda keeps me from experiencing a better life. I try taking control, when really there's no need. By joining the Peace Corps, I'm loosening my grip even more.